STAR LORD: Thor, your silly montage of wackiness is up. Now you have to do your silly montage of fighting.
THOR: (Looks at watch) Look at the time. It is silly o' clock.
Thor beats up gremlin things to an 80s hair metal song that Taika spent millions on (because that is what people are going to remember about this movie.)
GENERIC ALIEN DUDE: Thor, you are amazing, but you destroyed our religious temple. Your reward is a repeated comedy schtick that never gets old.
THOR: You mean like a joke that will be beaten like a dead horse?
GENERIC ALIEN DUDE: More like a dead goat. The good news is that this will be funny for like two minutes. The bad news is that Taika doesn't understand humor.
Taika spends hours including two giant screaming goats into every scene he can think of. He then jumps into a baby pool of baked beans and sings "Baby Got Back."
INT. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY SHIP
STAR LORD: Thor, it looks like our contract in this Marvel picture is up. I need to go to the Mario Planet and ruin someone else's childhood. We should split up. You need to help your friend and we need to save the entire galaxy.
THOR: But we promised a team up at the end End Game. We should at least honor it a little longer. That might be the only reason people are wat....
Star Lord is GONE, out of this picture. Dave Bautista is at home crying that he didn't even get one funny line as Drax.
INT. CANCER HOSPITAL
Jane Foster has contracted stage four sand cancer from Anakin. She will now take a serious and solemn look at her failing mortality. JK this is a Taika Watiti movie. She is bananas.
JANE FOSTER: LOL...I have cancer. Cancer rhymes with answer. I am a scientist with lots of answers. I am going to die...LOL. You know what rhymes with die? Pie. Definitely not cry which is what most stage four cancer patients do.
She does a few cartwheels and jumps into a ball pit.
TAIKA WAITITI: Natalie, I think you are being too serious with your lines. Could you lighten them up a bit?
TAIKA gets into a clown car that drives off a cliff into an ocean of pudding.
JANE FOSTER: LOL chemo is dumb. Maybe I should try something different.
MJOLNIR: Hey, I have a personality in this movie. Come to Asgard and steal me.
JANE FOSTER: (spins her beanie cap) Will do!!!!
EXT. ASGARD THEME PARK
Valkyrie is honoring her commitment as a world leader by CORPORATELY SELLING HERSELF OUT for Old Spice commercials. Don't judge, Marvel execs need to fill up their Jacuzzis with gold one way or another.
Taika feels like no one TRULY appreciated that he had a mini play within his movie for Ragnarök so HE DOES THE EXACT SAME JOKE AGAIN. For the love of God, please laugh so we can move on!
Speaking of dead horses being beaten...the giant goats exist.
THOR: I am back to check on my beloved hometown of Asgard. What did I miss?
The place is literally on fire. Shadows are killing people. Children are disappearing.
VILLAGERS: You need to save us from Gorr!
THOR: I didn't know this was a fight scene. There was no 80s hair metal to clue me in.
LADY THOR appears with Mjolnir.
LADY THOR: Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and...hey where is my 80s montage?
Gorr and Thor start battling
GORR: All gods are evil and corrupt. They must die.
THOR: I swear I am not evil.
GORR: SWEAR TO ME!!!
Thor and Lady Thor meet.
LADY THOR: What ho, young warrior, where doth thou hail from?
THOR: We aren't doing the Olde English schtick anymore? We now say 'cool bruh' and 'totes awesome.'.
TAIKA WATITI: Let me explain Jane and Thor's love. Somehow Thor and Jane had a full relationship of joyful and happy moments despite the complete world ending awfulness that was the Thanos' snap. Here is a montage of Thor doing adorable and cute zany things just in case you forgot who wrote this.
VALKYRIE: Thor, all our children got stolen from their house like in Batman Returns. We need to team up with earth's mightiest heroes. Shouldn't be too hard as this is a villain who will threaten the fabric of reality and you have all the Avengers on speed dial.
THOR: Or, hear me out, I can pull some new characters out of my butt so Hasbro has some new toys to sell. (checking list) Hmmm...who is left? Aegir, Agamemnon, Agnar of Vanaheim...(three hours later) Zeus. Let's check on what Zeus is doing?
VALKYRIE: I forgot there is a whole planet of mega powerful gods. Man, it's good you jogged my memory.
THOR: Yup. I just remembered them too. It would have been amazing if I had remembered them during a few other catastrophic events.
INT. ZEUS WORLD
Thor, Valkyrie, and Lady Thor enter the world of the gods wearing togas over their super hero clothes as their disguise. It's magic togas so that should be able to hand wave away how stupid this is.
ZEUS: I am the most powerful god in the whole Marvel universe (falls down stairs) No one can destroy me (pants fall down) All will bow before me (gets hit in the nuts with a football).
Zeus rips off Thor's clothes and the ladies in the audience are instantly glad their boyfriend's dragged them to a Marvel movie.
THOR: You must join me in fighting a villain that has a god killing sword. Everyone's life is in danger.
ZEUS: It's not that hard to kill gods in this universe. Loki died from a neck snap, you got your head handed to you by Hulk... In fact...
Thor kills Zeus with his own lightning bolt
ZEUS: (dying) See?
THOR: This was a fruitless journey.
VALKYRIE: Maybe grab his lightning bolt and the writers will give it a special power in act three.
EXT. THE DEPTHS OF SPACE (WHERE EVERYONE CAN BREATHE)
THOR: Now is the time to open up and share my heart with the one I love. My heart is ready to love again.
STORMBREAKER: (is an axe)
THOR: I think we need to take the relationship to the next level.
STORMBREAKER: (still an axe)
THOR: (slapping knee...turning to the audience...winking) Do you get the symbolism?
LADY THOR: Are you talking to yourself?
THOR: Jane, I think we need to be serious because it is the third act of the film and Marvel is obligated to force an emotion other than laughter.
Thor and Lady Thor kiss
EXT. SHADOW WORLD
Thor and his Liam Neeson crew of children getter backers are now on a black and white planet that opens. The world is in black and white thus making at least one person feel like they are watching Sin City.
GORR: Give me Stormbreaker to open up the planet that leads to the other planet that leads to another world so I can make a wish that will kill gods who I have never met or I will murder your cancerous girlfriend.
THOR: Fine, but can we have a fight scene first? It's been five minutes since the Zeus fight.
GORR: Fine, fine, fine. What is the point of threatening you if we are going to fight anyway?
THOR: You get to show off that you have all the moves of Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Otherwise you are just a madman with crappy self-defense.
VALKYRIE: I got PG-13 stabbed in one of the many places where I won't die, but I will have to lie down for a few minutes.
Thor and Gorr fight, but Gorr does a peek-a-boo move that steals the Stormbreaker. This is the key to opening up Eternity so that wishes can be made. Technically Eternity is a god and Gorr utilizing the help of a god is HYPOCRITICAL, but hey, no one is perfect.
INT. HOSPITAL
THOR: Gorr is enroute to a planet about to kill us all, but I have a few minutes to give Jane Foster a pep talk.
DOCTOR: Turning into Lady Thor is keeping Jane from healing from her cancer even though we explicitly said that the chemo wasn't working at the beginning of the movie. We elevated her case from sorta dying to really dying.
THOR: This movie is 2 hours, who can remember all these rules?
JANE FOSTER: Put me in, coach. I can do it. I can be somebody.
THOR: Sorry Jane, love is lifting me up where I belong.
JANE FOSTER: But...but...but
THOR: I can't hear you over the love I have for you (plugs ears)
JANE FOSTER: If you just listen...
THOR: I am too busy loving you to deal with listening to you (flies away)
INT. CHILD DUNGEON (NON-GERMAN KIND)
Thor, with the help of lazy writing that assumes all heroes know where to go, uses the lightning bolt to transport to the magical planet and save the kids. Wait, why did Gorr even need the kids at this point?
THOR: Children, now that I saved you from harm's way I want to throw you into harm's way. Say the word SHAZAM and you will get the powers of the wizard.
CHILDREN: This gift of sharing your powers would have been really handy in Infinity War.
Remember when Thor and Gorr fought to a pointless standstill. Here it is, again.
GORR: You will never stop me from opening the portal.
THOR: No, I won't. But we have a hulk...ing woman who is dying of cancer.
LADY THOR kills the god killing sword, which has no effect on the win condition of the heroes. It is CGI scraps. Gorr escapes.
EXT. ENYA WORLD
GORR: Now I can do the one thing I want and make all the gods disappear in the universe. No villain in history has had a plan where they used an ultimate means to make lots of people disappear.
THOR: Will you pipe down and let me caress my dying girlfriend whom I love. Because love is the only thing the universe needs. All you need is love. Love makes the world go round. ( "The Power of Love" plays)
GORR: You know, on second thought I could just bring back my dead daughter.
JANE FOSTER: Thor can spend the rest of his days raising her.
THOR: Ummm...can we discuss this?
JANE FOSTER: (dies of cancer. The ultimate trump card)
THOR: Swear words.
EXT: RANDOM PLANET
Thor is now a dad with a little girl who has super powers (did he give birth to her??). Just like the beginning of the movie, he is letting tons of innocent people die so he can do silly and cute things before entering the battle
TAIKA WAITI: An hour and a half of screwing around and I nailed it in the last thirty minutes. Now we wait for the Rotten Tomato scores to vindicate all my work.
ZEUS: Hey!!! I know we just did a movie where an ordinary man gets revenge on gods, but I was hoping to do a movie where a god gets revenge on ordinary men. Totally different.
HERCULES: Bligh me, you wanker. Time for another muscular dude to enter the Marvel universe. Bollocks!
Taika Waititi backflips across the soundstage and howls like a wolf.
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